I Just Saved The Mets’ Season: Move Over Ray Ramirez, Tim Tebow Is Here To Steal Your Job.

Before the end of this upcoming baseball season, I will be 25 years young. I have been a die-hard Mets fan for at least 22 of those, if only because I don’t believe three year olds have any clue what the fuck is going on around them. I’ve been through all of the ups and downs. I was at the last game ever at Shea Stadium, where I sat with my face in my hands for at least 20 minutes after the game ended, soaking in the misery. It’s just what Mets fans do.

Unfortunately, something the Mets do with shocking consistency is misdiagnose injuries. It happens every year. A player with a significant role on the team goes down with some sort of muscular injury. Whether it is a strained hammy, or a sore elbow, it’s always played off like it’s not going to be a big deal. In recent memory, Zack Wheeler stands out as a prime example of this. He was just coming off his most effective year as a pro, and most Mets fans were ready for him to take the next step towards becoming a true #1, top of the rotation arm. Naturally, as spring training was just getting underway, reports started popping up that Wheeler was dealing with some elbow tenderness. Nothing to worry about, Ray Ramirez was checking him out and it should only be a day-to-day thing. Within two weeks, Wheeler was going under the knife with a torn UCL. Tommy John Surgery. We are now two years from that and just starting to get Zack Wheeler back to a place where he can contribute to the team.

I could go on and on with stories like this. David Wright. Travis D’Arnaud. Duda. It always starts with a downplayed diagnosis; something that makes it seem like the player will be back in no time, good as new. Until Ray Ramirez, the Mets’ head trainer gets his hands on ‘em. I’m no doctor, but I can tell you with confidence that Ray Ramirez is the worst trainer of all-time. I’m sure he’s a nice guy; Ray is a nice guy name. But it must suuuuuuck to be that bad at your job. Do not fret though for I have a solution. Clearly, whatever the Mets have been doing to deal with injuries hasn’t been working and it’s time to change it up.

In September 2005 I celebrated my Bar Mitzvah, so I know a little bit about the power of prayer. I haven’t been back to a temple since, but that’s beside the point. The Mets organization is blessed to employ a man who not only knows a thing or two about the power of prayer, but he might actually be the second coming of the son of God, which I think would make him God’s grandson. That’s right, I’m talking about Tim Tebow.

Here’s what I’m thinking. Say goodbye to Ray Ramirez. Just get rid of him. Fire him. Tell him we’re going on a road trip to Toronto but he needs to take his own special flight because he’s such a good trainer and then just leave him there. It doesn’t matter. The point is, his reign should have ended years ago, but better late than never. Once this is handled, and Ramirez is as far away from the team as possible, promote Tim Tebow to head of the medical staff. He has already flashed his ability to save lives, so healing tweaked hamstrings and bone bruises should be nothing.

I’ve been a Tim Tebow guy since he burst onto the scene at the University of Florida. I remember hearing his story on ESPN when he was coming up the high school football ranks. Everyone was enamored with this kid who was a high school football star, but was busy doing God’s work any chance he got. He was the first sophomore to ever win the Heisman trophy, and was literally a touchdown machine. His NFL career fizzled out pretty quickly, and now he thinks he’s a baseball player, but it doesn’t fucking matter, because guess what? His name isn’t Ray Ramirez.

I can see it now. Jose Reyes goes down rounding second mid-April, and everyone panics. No need. Give him a few days of heavy prayer with Timmy Tebow, Grandson of God, and he will be good as new. Duda’s back hurts? Tim Tebow knows a prayer for that. Noah Syndergaard’s elbow is hanging by a thread because he can’t stop throwing 101 MPH cheese? Open up that holy book and go to work, Tim!

I’m not sure who makes these decisions for the Mets, but please make this happen. Our season depends on it. God bless.

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